Are you Ready for New Thinking about Children?

~ By Janelle Durham, MSW, PEPS Program Director

NurtureShock, by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman (2009) offers a concise, entertaining, and enlightening summary of current neurodevelopmental research on a wide array of topics related to child development and parenting. The audio book version is well-read and kept me captivated for many commutes to and from the PEPS office. Then I picked up a print copy of the book, and discovered that there are 80 pages of footnotes and references in the back, citing all the research they examined while compiling this book!

But the authors’ style makes all of this completely accessible, even if your educational/professional background is in a different field. The topics covered are interesting for parents of any age of child – I learned a lot that applies to life with my teenagers. In this review, I’ll focus on some observations they make for parents of young ones.

Read the book for the evidence behind each of these provocative statements:

• If a child is praised for being inherently smart, he may absorb the message that he doesn’t have to work hard at things… and then may struggle when faced with something that challenges that assumption and give up easily. If a child is praised for the effort he puts in to something, then he sees that he is in control of his own success and will work harder. When a project is completed, if a child is only praised, he doesn’t know that it is possible to do better. If he is praised and given concrete suggestions for how to improve, he will improve.
• When parents avoid discussions of race, in hopes of raising a “color-blind” child, instead, the child is puzzled about the clearly visible differences between people, and isn’t given any tools for how to discuss and understand those differences. Talking about race openly allows for a better understanding of racism and its impacts.
• In sibling relationships, children with a high level of conflict also often have a high level of engagement with each other, which balances it out into a net-positive relationship. Siblings who ignore each other may have less fighting, but also may never develop a close relationship. Teaching kids positive, proactive skills for agreeing to play in ways that they both enjoy can  build the connection while minimizing the conflict. Shared fantasy play (“let’s be ninjas today”) may be one of the best mechanisms for learning negotiation skills and building their relationship.
• If parents find themselves fighting in front of their children, it is better to stay in the room and resolve the argument than it is to leave the room. If you leave, children never know IF the fight was resolved (very anxiety-provoking!), and never learn any skills for how to resolve fights.
• For language development, what matters is not how many words we throw at our child each day or how many times we initiate a conversation, but instead how well we respond when the child initiates a conversation. Responding in the moment is key. When the baby looks at something or reaches for it, that’s the time to label that object by saying its name as your child focuses on it. When your child starts making more “word-like” sounds, responding in a consistent way to those purposeful sounds more than you respond to random babble helps your child to learn when she is successfully communicating.

For more fascinating ideas, check out the book! Or, go to www.nurtureshock.com to read any of the 90 columns the authors wrote for Newsweek. Lots of food for thought.

About the Author

Janelle oversees PEPS' program operations, focusing on program planning, curriculum development, program oversight, and outcome evaluations. She does everything she can to ensure every parent has the best PEPS experience possible!

Janelle holds a BA from Brandeis University, a Master of Social Work degree from University of Washington, and a professional certificate in Spirituality, Health and Medicine from Bastyr University. She is mom of 2 teens girls, a certified doula, lactation educator, and childbirth educator. Janelle also works as Great Starts trainer and consultant for Parent Trust for Washington Children, and is a co-author of Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn.

Contact: janelled@pepsgroup.org * (206) 547- 8570 ext. 21